Ethan James

This is our little boy, Ethan James Ghiringhelli - born Saturday, September 1st at 11:24am and living for only a short time until 12:36pm. He was born just under 25 weeks, on the cusp of "viability" as they call it.

It began Friday night when Jen started having painful contractions. We initially weren't too concerned, but by midnight, Jen was realizing they were more than just braxton-hicks. We called our friends by 1:30am and dropped Jaden off before heading to the hospital.

I ran many red lights :)

Around 2:30 am, Jen was administered some muscle relaxants in hopes of stopping the contractions. Initially, it looked like they were subsiding, but just half an hour later, they started up again. By 3:30 they decided to admit her into the maternity ward. Around 4:00am they started an IV and began heavy doses of magnesium sulfate - a seriously nasty drug. Jen felt like she was on fire inside and it made her quite sick. Again, this drug was intended to delay/stop the contractions. I literally took ice-soaked rags and put them on Jen's neck, face and arm-pits without her so much as flinching - she said the heat was beyond anything she had ever experienced before. The thermostat in the room was at 62º!

By 8:30am, the new doctor on shift saw Jen and said "we are fighting a loosing battle here" - this news hit us pretty hard. With that, they took Jen off the magnesium, and she was 8cm dilated by 11:00am.

We called our family, to let them know that our little man was coming! We were all hopeful. The Lord had brought us this far and while we expected a long road ahead, we also expected that Ethan would one day be healthy and whole.

At 11:30, Jen delivered with one small push and the NICU folks immediately went to work. I watched as they tried to intubate Ethan and after a few minutes, it started to hit me that it wasn't going well. They tried diligently for 20 minutes, but his mouth and windpipe would prove too small and fragile for a breathing tube. At that point, Jen and I made the difficult decision that it was time to stop.



His heart still beating, we held him for the next 40 minutes until he passed. He occasionally took small breaths, but was otherwise very still. Needless to say, there were a lot of tears - but what amazed us was how perfectly formed he was. All his little fingers and toes were unique and soft, nostrils so tiny, ears so cute! The bottom of his feet had little wrinkles, his rib-cage was incredibly constructed. Arm and leg muscles well defined, knee caps so small and the tiniest little bottom with just a hint of cheeks. He was our little man, knit together in his mother's womb by a loving creator. Psalm 139:13-15 says:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.

Despite the pain and loss, those 40 minutes we had with Ethan felt like such an incredible blessing. He heard our cries for him, he felt our love, and we experienced the wonder of God's creation - a snapshot into the secret place, where He was performing his handy-work. Some friends and family were able to see Ethan after he died, and we felt such a sense of pride in our son. It meant so much to us to be able to share him with even just a small few.

So where does this leave us in the wake of so much prayer and hope for Ethan's life? We have been talking about it a lot, and we want you to know, that your prayers have been and are continuing to be answered. We are being comforted beyond measure and carried by your love, thoughts and prayers. We are so deeply humbled by the outpouring of support. While we cannot understand why he left us so soon, we know in our hearts there was purpose in his life - even before he was born. We pray that through Ethan's life, hearts would be softened and comfort be found in a loving God and in each other - we are after all His hands and feet, part of His body. Inspired by a reading from Susan Martinez:

Each life comes into this world with a mission,
sometimes the mission or purpose is clear;
Sometimes it is vague and shrouded in misunderstandings.
In time we will see what Ethan's purpose was on earth,
Perhaps just to add a flicker of love that otherwise may never have been lit
or to soften our hearts so that we may in turn comfort others.
Perhaps it was to bring us closer to our God and each other.

These words haven't been empty to us, they have meant everything. Our faith journey has taken us from a place of feeling that God was an angry God, who didn't care for us to now knowing that God is a good God, who comforts us in our pain. Tears are a gift. We learned that our faith is not in what happens, our faith is in God's nature and who he is and what the Bible says he is. When things go well, we thank him - when things go wrong, we thank him, because he is unchanging, his love unfailing. When we hurt, he hurts with us - this has completely transformed our view of God and we don't know how we could do this without him.

We have so much more to share, but this entry is getting really long. We'll continue to post more as we continue to process. Some days have been easier than others and sometimes the grief overtakes us - but this is the journey we are on and the process we are learning. When the sorrow comes, we try to embrace it and let it happen, but we also continue to live and laugh, especially with such an adorable little boy like Jaden.

Thank you for being on this journey with us.