Some Reflections

Saturday, September 8, 2007

It has been a week since Ethan passed away and it’s hard not to think about the possibility of him surviving if he would have only waited one more week to be born. I can go so far as to wonder what difference just a few days would have made. But then I must move on and not allow my mind stay in a place of what ifs. It does no good to wonder. The reality is he is gone from this world, but never from our hearts. He will always be a part of us and a part of our family- our second born son.

It is hard to move on without him because at times I can feel I’ll be alright one day and that in itself feels wrong because in some way I feel we are leaving him out. If we go on without him it seems we are forgetting about him. I know that is not really the case but the feelings still come. It’s all a part of the journey of grief I suppose.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

We went to the park today. It was a beautifully clear day- lots of sunshine and blue skies. Jaden slept in his stroller while Dan and I ate subs at a picnic table. I watched the children in the playground and I became saddened. I grieved the loss of a dream I had; A dream of my boys playing together- best friends, buds- chasing each other down the slide and swinging side by side. I grieved the absence of Ethan, but I was also saddened because it felt like a rejection of Jaden. It seemed wrong to feel he is not enough – that I want more. I felt like Jaden was getting gypped. It feels wrong to grieve the son I no longer have because it seems to negate the son I do have. I know better. But that is just how it feels. Jaden needs his mom and dad. He needs to just be a child and be free of the weight of life’s burdens. He needs to feel our joy in seeing him play and know that he is enough. That is one focus of my heart right now.


Wednesday, September 12, 2007

There was as passage of scripture I was reflecting on when I first went into the hospital. It is Romans 5:1-5:

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,

through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;

and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;

and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

This is the attitude I wanted to enter this situation with. I know from experience that all the difficulty and pain in my life has changed me for the better and though this was the most personal and deepest pain I’ve experienced thus far I still want my faith to grow, my heart to soften, and my understanding of God to deepen. So I prayed then (and now still) that I would endure and grow in character and hope in God.

I’m learning about the dichotomy between heaven and earth in a whole new way; how the two are so separate and yet coexist at the same time. It doesn’t seem possible and yet there it is. There’s the earthly, human experience, which has been so hard at times. I’ve had so much pain in my heart. I never knew my physical heart could actually ache the way that it does, but that’s the only way to describe it – almost like my chest is being constricted and I’m slowly suffocating. It hurts – a lot. I can feel so deeply saddened, lonely, and empty at times. I can wake up and before a thought enters my head tears can begin to fall down my cheek. Grief gets us at the core.

But then there’s this other aspect to the whole experience. I feel as though I am physically being carried along, comforted, cared for. I feel it is God’s grace on me. He shows His love for me through the caring hands of others, their kind words, acts, thoughts, and prayers. And I can’t really explain it but to say I physically feel His peace around me, around us, and in our home.

So there is it. This world is full of death and sorrow. That is a part of the human experience. But there is a hope in something greater than this world; in something eternal. Revelation 21:4 says:

“and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."

One day, we will truly be in the complete presence of God and all suffering will end. So as a Christian I believe in those things to come; that is my faith. Hope is what allows for much joy in the midst of pain. I can't imagine my life without it.