More Reflections

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I went to the doctor today for a post partum visit mostly to talk about how I am doing emotionally. I was doing pretty well until I went for my doctor’s appointment. I have been told by a few people that grief is a funny thing in that it can hit you when you least expect it. For example you could be in the grocery store and suddenly start bawling. So I have been sort of wondering when I may have those moments and then today came. Even though my mom and Dan were at the house I decided to go by myself – big mistake. It’s right down the road and I knew it would be quick and I just didn’t think it through. I felt fine even walking toward the office door. Then I stepped inside and it began to hit me. It was a major trigger for me to be back in that kind of environment. I sat in the waiting room and I began to feel nervous and anxious. My heart began to race and I was suddenly short of breath. I was wondering what was happening to me. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack and suddenly I wanted to bawl. I just thought – Is this is what those people meant? Not here, I can’t cry here. Get a grip Jen. I took deep breaths, composed myself, and waited.

I entered the examining room and waited for the doctor. It started again. Seeing the sonogram machine and the examining table brought it all back to me. Knowing I would see the doctor who delivered Ethan compounded it even more. I was a wreck. Again I thought, Get a grip Jen. Wait until you’re in the car. You can handle this. Why was I so obsessed with not crying? It hasn’t been an issue thus far. I’ve cried about it any time it’s hit me. I know I am often in control of my emotions and don’t like to show them especially in public. I really need to be in a safe place to just let go and be vulnerable. I guess it surprised me because since Ethan died I haven’t thought much about that. I haven’t had the need to control my emotions. I’ve just let them come. Or they’ve just come and I didn’t have much choice – I’m not sure which. Like I said I haven’t thought about it.

I think a few things were taking place. When you encounter a loss like this, at first all your time and life becomes about is thinking of and mourning the loss of your baby. So you expect to be hit with emotion at any time. You’re sort of ready for it. But after a little time goes by you’re back to doing “normal” things again. I mean Dan’s back at work, I’m taking care of Jaden, we are getting out and about -sort of moving forward with life. So perhaps it’s just that – you have these moments of feeling “normal” like you almost forget for a second that you lost your child. Then it hits you again and it catches you off guard.

The second thing is I thought if the doctor walks in here and I’m hysterical crying he’s going to put me on medication. Sounds crazy to worry about such a thing I know but I really don’t believe I need medication. I mean I know I am grieving but I am coping and I am living life too. I am not stuck. At least not right now. I don’t want that to be confused with severe post partum depression. I mean if that becomes an issue I’ll certainly address it. I told the doctor if a few weeks from now I can’t get out of bed or lift my head I won’t hesitate to call and he can hook me up with some Zoloft. But for now I know it’s normal to have these moments. So, OCD Jen took over and thought I can’t let him see me this way. So I stuffed it. I mean sometimes I think you need to NOT go there- for your own sanity. At least that’s how I see it when I’m in a public place with no one I know around for support. I’m a little wacky like that though. So I waited until I got in the car and let it out a little then.

Monday, September 17, 2007

It’s hard to be around people who don’t know what has happened. I mean it can be hard to be around a lot of people at once who do know, but at least they know what’s going on. With someone who doesn’t know me or the situation there’s this nervous feeling inside that they might ask something I’m not prepared to answer. For example, how many kids do you have? Is Jaden your only boy? Things like that. It’s nerve-wracking because I don’t know how I may react. Will I cry and make the person extremely uncomfortable? Will I be awkward and unable to articulate myself making the person extremely uncomfortable? Do I tell them or don’t I? I don’t want to lie because it feels like I’m negating Ethan if I don’t tell people about him. But it’s not something you want to explain to EVERYONE who asks. As a friend of mine told me, the girl at the grocery store check-out counter doesn’t necessarily need to know. It’s something I will have to handle as it comes up.

On Sunday it did come up actually and I don’t know if I handled it well, but it’s what I needed to do. At church in the nursery a woman I didn’t know was asking some of us moms our names and our kids’ names. She introduced herself and her son. It was all good until she asked one of the moms how many kids she had. Then she got to the next mom. Suddenly I realized I was next. I didn’t know what to do so I got up and walked over to Jaden to sort of pretend to see what he was doing. I came back into the conversation when I thought all was safe. A little while later the line of questioning was heading down an unwanted path again so I left the conversation again. This time I noticed church was over and I left. I didn’t know if the woman noticed or thought I was rude. Of course I hope not, but I wasn’t prepared to go there. I panicked and had to get out. I’m sure it will get easier and in time I will learn how to handle these situations. But wow – it’s very uncomfortable at times for me right now. It’s all uncharted waters.