At times I am taken back by how present the pain can still be as if no time has passed. It is a deeper well of sadness than I could have imagined prior to this experience. The past 12 months have been the most challenging in both Dan and my lives. We have walked through the depths of pain and sorrow. We have faced great disappointment and have had our faith tested in great measure. A few months ago we suffered another miscarriage which was in and of itself a difficult experience, but it also brought back so much emotion regarding Ethan. It felt like more dreams dashed and was a reminder of what we had lost months before.
In my experience a mother's love is instantaneous and constant. It overtakes logic and reason. Both miscarriages took a toll on my heart and having Ethan brought it to whole new level. Though I never got to know Ethan beyond holding his frail little frame in my arms, somehow that was enough to change my life. Ethan is a permanent mark on my heart which cannot be removed. He is ever a part of me. I have come to understand this kind of grief on a deeper level. I have thought much about it and about the many other women who carry this type of loss.
It is a quiet, often lonely pain to carry. It is simply impossible to explain or make tangible unless you carry that pain yourself or have been close enough to it in proximity to a loved one experiencing it. I often look around and wonder how many other women feel this pain, this emptiness which I was understandably so unaware of before. How many women around me have struggled with conceiving, holding pregnancies, loss of a child. How many faces I see in the supermarket carry that sadness behind their eyes? I am so acutely aware of it more than ever.
It suddenly hit me as I sat in the waiting room of the OBGYN waiting to see if my most recent miscarriage was going smoothly. I was seated next to a first time expectant mom beaming with excitement as she rubbed her round belly. From my position it was a pretty lousy feeling. I don't begrudge her that joy, but for me it sucked. I was there losing my child while she eagerly awaited the birth of hers. But I realized I was in her seat a few years ago. I was her when I was pregnant with Jaden. I wonder if there was ever a woman in my current position who sat next me then thinking the same things. But there was such a sense of familiarity sitting next to her. And you know what, at the time I couldn't see past my own hurt as I was in the midst of another painful loss. But now I can look back and see that I was so blessed to have had that experience with Jaden. And I am blessed to have a beautiful, healthy, happy son in my life every day. I cannot lose sight of that. If I do I have learned nothing in the past year because all of that pain has been coupled with the sheer joy of watching Jaden grow. Our little man is simply amazing.
I have learned a great deal about loss and disappointment but also about how blessed I truly am. I don't always see it because isn't it easy to focus on the negative sometimes. We can get so stuck there. But I have a wonderful life. I have so much to be thankful for. I have good days and bad days even still. Even after a year the wounds are fresh, but slowly healing. I am still living and laughing and loving through it all. That is all I can do as I continue this journey. Thanks for reading.
Below is a special keepsake my dad made for us in honor of Ethan's birthday. He wrote a scripture verse, then his own heartfelt message and placed Ethan's picture at the bottom. He laminated the whole thing together as a keepsake. Thanks so much dad.
Click on the picture to enlarge
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