Amidst Joy and Blessings We Remember

September 1st is here again, three years now since we lost our Ethan. I am thankful his birthday is smack dab in the middle of Riley's and Jaden's. It makes things easier. I can't believe it's been three years. This time last year Riley was one month old. I was sleep deprived, nursing around the clock, adjusting to life with two kids, and let's face it completely distracted when Ethan's birthday came and went. It's not that I didn't think of him because of course I did. But the high from Riley's amazing birth story and everything to follow was still going strong and it softened the effects.

I realize that now of course because this year I wondered for a moment why I've felt such sadness about Ethan. I thought hey last year wasn't so bad, I thought this was just going to get easier and easier. And it does of course. But anniversaries just have a way of sneaking up on your subconscious and poking at it. A little nudge whispering, remember? Isn't this time of year familiar? The season? The feel? The air? It somehow just happens no matter how much you tell yourself it's just a day like any other day. So thoughts of him this past week have brought the lump back; the lump I sometimes swallow and other times give into and allow the tears to flow.

It's always strange to walk this line of duality between gratefulness and sorrow. I can't escape the fact that if Ethan were here Riley would not be. It is also hard to conceive of a life with two sons, brothers, a house full of boys when the dynamic now is of brother and a sister, an equally balanced household. Strange to imagine a life with a 3 year old and a nearly 4 year old. I don't dwell too much on what might have been but I can't escape the thoughts altogether.

I am at peace really with what is. I cannot complain about the wonderful life I have, the beautiful children that are here with me. But today I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the baby boy who came to us so briefly and changed our lives forever. I want to take a moment to recognize that Ethan was here, he is loved, and he will always be remembered.