Ethan James: May 2008

On Saturday Ryan, Dan, and I went to Annapolis and paid a little visit to a tattoo parlor. That's right, you read correctly. A Tattoo parlor. I have been wanting to get a tattoo to memorialize Ethan for some time, but I wanted to wait until the time was right. I needed to be in a certain place in the healing process and I felt the time had come. I will never forget my son and I will always miss him but I wanted the tribute to be something special and positive. I didn't want it to represent the lasting pain I feel from the loss but rather be a symbol of my lasting love for Ethan and a way to always carry him with me. He will always be in my heart, but now a piece of him is tangibly with me always too if that makes sense. I was ready for it finally. It is my first and last tattoo. Dedicated to my precious little boy. I got an exact replica of Ethan's footprints tattooed on my ankle with him name below them.

As it turned out the owner of the shop had also lost a child. His daughter Stella would have been five years old had she survived. When he heard our story he plopped his leg up and pulled his pant leg up to reveal a rather large, lengthy tattoo of a baby footprint and her name. Below it was a poem about her. He gave me a big hug and began to cry. He apologized for "ruining" our day. But it was the exact opposite. I was initially feeling hesitant about how the people at the shop would treat my situation. I mean it is an emotional tattoo to get and I simply wanted them to "get it". I didn't want special treatment, I guess I just wanted the process to be respected. Well needless to say it was. He and the other tattoo artists were very touched. The girl who did mine was meticulous about getting it right and getting all the little details of Ethan's feet right, from the wrinkles to the heal prints to the areas where the ink was faded or dark. She did a great job.

Ryan also decided to get a tattoo. He has one for our Grandma, Lance and myself. It was time to get one for mom. He got a bear paw print on his back. Many people know my mom is known as "Mama Bear" in our family, a name and an image she carries proudly. So Ryan wanted the bear paw to represent my mom's hand on his shoulder. It came out great.

All in all it was a great experience. I wasn't planning on getting any more tattoos anyway, but let me say the pain of it reinforced that idea. I have to admit I felt a little wimpy about how much it hurt. I mean I kept it together and took it like a champ but inwardly I was like, crap this hurts A LOT!! Ouchy! I thought well nothing's worse than childbirth. And it wasn't but so what? It still hurt like the Dickens. Here are some pics of the experience.