I have to be honest I was dreading it all week and I had trouble sleeping each night thinking about everything that happened and just thinking about the baby. When Sunday came I found myself to be very emotional all day and when the time came I told Dan I didn't want to go. Of course we both knew it would be good for us so we did drag ourselves there. It's just not something you look forward to.
It was held at Camp Letts, a nice summer camp right on the river. We walked in and were surprised at how many couples were there. We signed Ethan's name in a book and put his picture alongside the many other pictures on the table. After hearing one woman's story, a few other comments, and speaking with a few people, it was time to head outdoors. We all wrote a little note to our children on helium balloons and released them outside. All the names of the babies were read and we each placed a white rose in the river. It was sad, intense, and deeply validating. I never realized just how important a time that would be for us. And I completely underestimated the significance of being around others who know your pain. It's just another level of comfort I didn't realize I needed. We may go to the support group that meets on Monday night once a month too. The picture is of a little plaque they gave each of us which I thought was nice.
The truth is everyone else moves on. That's just the way it goes. People support you and those close to you will continue to, but they still move on. But you don't. You get through it, but you don't ever really get past it. Ultimately it's your loss and something you will always carry. It's nobody's fault, that's just the normal progression. So to be around others who carry that pain, that deep loss, it's so important for your validation and even your healing. I really needed that because the pain is still so immense and the loss still so great for us. It's been two months, but it might as well have happened yesterday because when the emotion comes it's still that real. It's still strong enough to take my breath away and the ache still weighs so heavy in my chest.
Just yesterday, Halloween, Dan and I had to come to grips again with being without Ethan. Sure we still have Jaden and we're so thankful but he can't replace the loss we feel for Ethan. We spent a few hours giving out candy to the little kids and watching the families walk around the neighborhood together an we just couldn't help but feel an emptiness. I guess it hit us both but we didn't mention it at the time. Then after it got all quiet and Jaden was in bed I went downstairs looking for Dan and he was alone crying. I sat down next to him and joined him. We talked a bit about how we felt and how it is just so tangible - Ethan's absence. And even though Jaden doesn't know he's missing anything we feel what he's missing. The feeling of the four of us together. Us with our sons, Jaden with his little brother. And I guess certain events, anniversaries, and holidays will always remind us of that. For example, next year we would have been carrying Ethan in his cute little costume - watching his big brother in his cute costume walk up to people's doors with his little bucket. And while Jaden will still do that and we will still revel in it, we will miss our other son - always.
I said to Dan that even though I accept what happened overall - in that I know it's my reality and I can't change it, I still have to accept it all over again each day. I replay the events that took place and I just wonder what could have made a difference if anything. It's hard not to know and that's what I have to accept over and over- that I will never know, I can never make it different than what it is, and I can't make the pain go away any faster.
As I write this a package just arrived at our door. How appropriate in that it was the matching rings Dan and I ordered a few weeks ago in Vermont to remember Ethan by. We plan to get them engraved with his name and perhaps his birth date. Interesting timing. And that is where I am at with that. Don't worry, a fun filled blog of Jaden dressed up for Halloween will follow soon. Thank goodness for that huh?
